The fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands. Dueteronomy 14:29

~ Silas and Naomi are HOME from Uganda ~

23 September 2010

Sacrifice and Confession

I wrote this last Thursday...but it took me a week to actually post it.  It was definitely for me, but maybe it's for someone else too...

Without much new information to share on our adoptions, or be distracted by, my mind has wandered these last several days…wandered into dangerous areas, terrifying close to the edge of that mental cliff where you are just so tempted to “jump” because the fight seems to be too much! The internal struggle of my emotions, heart and mind is warring at a heightened extreme and I just want PEACE! My own efforts to bring that calm which every ounce of my being longs for, like a drop of water in the desert, have fallen dramatically short, and that is probably a huge understatement. But of course, like a stubborn child, I keep trying, grasping, acting through the day in an attempt to get a little more control and bring my emotions back into my comfort zone. One epic failure after another…. (just ask Craig)

So this morning, in the shower (where God and I have our best talks), He says, “My child, don’t you know I have equipped you with all you need – I have GIVEN you this life so you have something to GIVE back to me.” And then I remembered… sacrifice.

It’s a lesson I learned during another very difficult phase in my life. I was alone, drowning in a pool of emotions so deep the bottom was black. And the Lord, My God, my Kinsman Redeemer, demonstrated so clearly to me that He WANTED my pain, my devastation, my lack of control, He actually WANTED it and not only that, it was beautiful to Him. And that brings me back to our conversation in the shower…sacrifice.

The Old Testament is riddled with that word: SACRIFICE. I see red when I read or say it. In my mind it means blood…not the romantic, vampire-induced type our society is so obsessed with, but gruesome, steaming blood poured out in violence on the dust from the veins of a living breathing thing. It is horrific. I can’t even begin to imagine just how many animals would have lost their life at my hands had I lived before Christ walked the earth. (Read Leviticus and keep a tally…I’m talking flocks of doves, and herds of sheep…per year in my name.) But all that is over! Christ’s Sacrifice, His blood, the violence He endured, it became my sacrifice…all of them, once and forever paid! ATONEMENT!!! And it’s not surprising that I see red when I write that word too.

So what does this all have to do with NOW? With our adoption? God reminded me this morning He has given me this 3 year and 9 month (and counting) long adoption journey of frustration, agonizing waiting, deep longing for my children, and blatant embodiment of my insufficiency SO THAT I have something to give back to Him. I have no control, but He does! I am so very small, but He is as vast as the stars are numbered…and on my own I have nothing to offer Him. SO He has given me these things, and beginning this morning, I lay them on the altar of my heart where my God reigns as King:

My impatient spirit with this lengthy process, wrapped in so much red tape it looks like a Christmas present

My ever-deepening longing to embrace my precious children who are so far away
My doubts, always veiled by trusting words, in His ability to supply our financial need for our kids’ ransom

My manipulative thoughts and prayers, as if I can coerce God into doing something different than His perfect plan

My physical and emotional fatigue from fighting this battle that has already been won for my family by His mighty hand (it’s as if I am beating at the air…and I am tired)

…and the list will continue to grow daily I’m sure

Then yesterday - the real yesterday (Wednesday, Sept. 22) we received an email saying that because our precious girl is no longer sick, we are back in line, to wait.until.January.  My heart sank, my stomach instantly tied itself in a boy scout knot, I slid from the edge of our bed where I sat reading staring at the blurry screen of my laptop, and my eyes welled up with hot tears...tears of devestation, the only way to outwardly express the ache that seared through my body, tears.
and then, it happened, in an instant, my body was washed in peace!  Sweet, cool, refreshing PEACE that settled deeply into my chest, soothed my sobs, and brought me to my knees.  My GOD was still in control, He still held my children, both near and far, safely in the palm of His hands.  The realization that I had nothing to give but my longings and desires, nothing to control but the sacrifice of that pain and deep emotion, nothing to do but to relinquish everything to the Only One Who has control - it set in right with that peace and I felt utter and complete CALM.
It is going to be ok - as our social worker reminded me, we will NOT WAIT FOREVER, and
and again,
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26


  1. Jen--

    This is BEAUTIFUL!!! Honesty, humility, courage, love, compassion,and fully surrendered!! I think of the song... "Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered". From one mother to another... it's so sweet to see you ABIDING IN HIM and trusting HIM to care for 'your' children ; ) I know this journey has been long, bittersweet, and simply challenging. I know people have been encouraged and edified because of your family's unwavering commitment to your children and to the will of the LORD!!

    Be encouraged, friend!! God is shining through you!! Your testimony is covered in HIS fingerprints and all who hear it see the ALMIGHTY CREATOR!!

    Lots of huggs!!
    --Rebecca, for the Hoehne's

  2. Such a beautiful way to talk about the pain of waiting. I have been there, with waiting to concieve (and failing after tragidy) and waiting for our two adoptions. My heart goes out to you! God Speed and many blessings to your family (both with you and far away). <3 Sarah